Letters to God
by Feeloves
Summary: Commander Shepard: War Hero of Elysium, Savior of the Citadel, Exterminator of the Collectors, Galaxy's Immovable Centre... But in the end, she is still, only human. A human with a secret.   "...You're dying Commander." ME3 Spoilers!
1. Shock: Prologue

**###**

**Prologue**

**Stage 1: Shock**

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"...Do you have any questions?"

"No."

"Okay."

Silence.

"How did this happen?"

"The cybernetics that Cerberus used… It appears there are some faulty parts."

"…Faulty?"

"There is a reason why the operation for biotic implants is so risky. There is only a certain amount of foreign substances a body can accept, yours is almost entirely made out of non-organic material. Normally, that would be fine… But in your case, these materials are starting to break down."

"… Eight months… Why now?"

"Well… It appears that the Illusive Man had a larger hold on you that we previously thought… We managed to trace the beginning of the breakdown to when you cut your ties with Cerberus."

"A detonator... So as punishment, he is killing me."

A pause. "…I'm afraid so."

"How long?"

"Our best bet is six years, but we have to start therapy straight away. But I have to warn you, you're going to have to leave the Alliance."

"Why?"

"The drugs will weaken you, you will not be fit for active duty."

"And if I don't sign on for chemo?"

"That is not advisable."

"And if I don't sign on for chemo?"

"As your doctor, I highly recommend-"

"And if I don't sign on for chemo?"

"A year, two at best."

"Can I fight?"

Hesitation. "…Yes."

"For how long?"

"Until the last six months."

Silence.

"Thank you."

"Commander, it is not wise to-"

"I trust that you will keep this to yourself."

"As a military doctor it is my duty to report to the Captain if you are not fit for active duty. I cannot-"

"I have a year. Tell him then."

"Commander, I insist that you sit back down and consider your-"

"Tell him when I am not fit for duty, but not a second earlier. Doctor, patient confidentiality, I promise this will not affect my performance."

"There are psychological implications to-"

"Please..."

A sigh. "Fine. But you are to send me weekly medical reports."

"Deal."

"The second you falter, Commander-"

"I will come straight to you."

"Good."

"I have to go."

"Will you not listen to reason?"

"Goodbye doctor."

"Shepard… For what it's worth… I'm sorry."

"Yeah."

'_You don't deserve this.'_

**###**

**Hello all. I got inspiration for this story after watching the trailer for 50/50. I haven't seen the film, but I felt like I wanted to write something more heart-wrenching and dramatic than my SI. And this is what my mind came up with.**

**Don't worry, the writing style of this will change.**

**What do you think?**

**Love,**

**Fee**

**xx**

**ps. Any name ideas for my Shepard?**


	2. Shock: Chapter 1

**###**

**Chapter 1**

**Path of Self Destruct**

11 Earth Days from Diagnosis

Numbness.

That was all she felt.

She tried to remember the simpler days. Tried to… Remember what the days felt like before she found out. Tried to… Come to terms with what was happening inside of her.

_Inside_ of her.

Clenching her fist experimentally, she wouldn't have believed she was sick, had she not seen the proof herself. Her muscles were lean and strong; her biotics were powerful and unstoppable… And yet, she was _dying_. Slowly, but surely, the cybernetics holding whatever was left of her together were coming apart, poisoning her from the inside.

Pressing her face against the cool glass, she took a moment to compose herself, allowing the cold to seep in through her skin. She used to hate the cold, but now she couldn't get enough of it. She wanted her surface to feel the same as her core: numb. There were many things that she didn't used to like, that she now did, such as smoking and working out until her muscles screamed in complete agony. 'Path of self-destruct' was what her doctor called it. 'Living life' was what she called it.

It was a loathsome, repulsive thought, but she almost wished… Almost wished that _something_ would happen where she would be thrown into a fight. In the midst of a battle, nothing could touch her. Not the Reapers, not Cerberus, not the Illusive Man, and certainly not _this. _Standing around with nothing to do just grinded at her nerves, making her mind travel in limitless circles.

It was pathetic. If only her crew could see her now… The great Commander Shepard, begging for a chance to fight.

Pathetic.

"Commander."

Ah, the familiar, deep, resonant voice of her faithful watchdog, Lieutenant James Vega, filled the room. She had to admit, for an Alliance soldier he was rather handsome. Despite her 'frigid bitch' reputation, she would be lying if she said she did not notice his sinewy good looks, or that she never once imagined what it would be like to have him in her bed. Forcing down a pitiable chuckle, she turned to him.

"You're not supposed to call me that anymore, James." She murmured his name like a blessing. If he hadn't sounded so impatient, so worried, she would have said more.

"Not supposed to salute you either. But we gotta go, the defense committee wants to see you."

She had done nothing but exchange flirtatious banter with the Lieutenant ever since she found out. She knew he found the change in her extremely odd, but paid it no real mind. Two weeks ago, she wouldn't have dared, wouldn't have even thought to skirt the boundaries of professionalism as she did now. One simple diagnosis, that was all she needed to throw years of intense training out the window.

Again, pathetic.

_Gather yourself together Shepard. _Throwing the datapad she didn't even know she held in her hand onto her bed, she forced her body through the motions. If the defense committee was calling, that could only mean one thing.

The Reapers were here.

**###**

His eye were sea-foam green, just like hers.

'_Faster!' _She prayed, she willed, she begged with all her might. But the sadistic red beam cut through the escaping shuttle as though it was made of butter. The impact of the inevitable explosion nearly threw of her feet, but she locked her knees and steeled her eyes, forcing herself to watch as the royal blue vehicle shattered into pieces, showering scraps of metal into the giant lake below.

'_This is you. This is all you.'_

She stood there, paralyzed, unable to move or breathe. She was clenching the dog tags in her hand so tightly that the blunt edges dug into her palm, causing droplets of blood to tickle her knuckles as they dripped to the floor. The bay doors shut themselves and locked tight, inches away from her frozen figure, but she made no movement to suggest she even registered this.

He had looked at her, right into her very soul just as he boarded the Alliance shuttle.

His eyes would haunt her forever.

The irony of the situation wasn't lost on her. Just hours ago she was wishing for a miracle, for the chance to live. Now, her _condition_ was the least of her worries.

"What the hell's going on? Where's Anderson? Where are we going?"

For the first time since she met him, Vega's thunderous voice filled her with anger and dread. She gripped the tags harder in attempt to control her volatile temper. Taking a deep breath she spun around and headed for the console deeper within the shuttle bay. It wasn't his fault, but that thought wasn't enough to tame her.

"Hey!"

The cut in her palm kept her grounded, kept her from slamming her raging biotics into the Lieutenant's insolent face. The pain was a welcoming distraction from the turmoil tearing her apart from within. Loss, hopelessness, the extinction of the human race, her impending death, they were all foreign matters to her. Pain, pain was the familiar friend that she had ages to get to know. Pain meant that she was _alive_.

"We're leaving." She said quietly.

"Leaving?"

"What's going on?" And there was the other unknown quantity that she didn't want to think about- Kaidan bloody Alenko. The past seven months have given her more than enough time to dissect, reassemble, and then tear apart that stupid message he had sent her after Horizon. He used to be all she thought about, all she _cared_ about, until the diagnosis.

Then all she wanted to do was stab the asshole in the neck for being so unfair.

'_That's right Shepard. Earth is currently being raped by a sentinel race and all you can think about is you. You. You. Some Hero you are.'_

Hearing his voice behind her at the Alliance headquarters was the first time in two months she felt any semblance of emotion. It broke her out of her hardened shell: her heart rate increased, her voice trembled, and her knees weakened… And then her hand reached for the pistol on her hip that she forgot was no longer there.

She muttered something inconsequential about the Citadel, Anderson's orders, before typing the coordinates into the terminal in front of her. There was no time to dwell on the past, to dwell on her heart, to dwell on _anything_. Time was not on their side.

Then the Lieutenant was in her face, shouting a profanity and shoving into her personal space. She had imagined that exact same scenario many times before and it normally lead to her being tied down followed by a wickedly sinful night. But this was a different matter, a different time, a different issue. It took all the willpower, honed from years and years of practice, to not slam her fist into his deserving face. Instead, she took a step towards him, forcing the giant to take a step back.

"We don't have a choice." She snarled, she didn't touch him, but her biotics flared with enough intensity that screamed 'don't mess with me right now'. She was sure he could feel the push, because he stumbled backwards even more. She may be of a smaller stature, but what she didn't have in muscle mass, she made up in presence. "Without help. This war-" _if you could call it that _"-is already over."

As expected, Vega began to protest, but she couldn't listen to him any longer. She knew that if another syllable came out of his mouth she would end up killing him. With the Reapers being the cause of so much death, there was no real need to add another to the count. "You want out? You can catch a ride back from the Citadel."

"Commander." The presumptuous, arrogant voice of the Normandy's pilot echoed through the ship-wide com-link. She breathed out in relief. If Joker was the one at the helm, perhaps they had a chance of surviving this after all. She had always been partial to the Flight Lietenant, and right now she was prepared to kiss the man for saving her ass, again. She forced herself to listen to his words over her deafening anger. Vega's audacious attitude had rubbed her the wrong way. She made a mental note to make sure that he did not assume her previous coquettish behaviour would translate onto her role as his superior.

Suddenly, it smashed into her like a ton of bricks. She was here again, to save the Galaxy for the third time... The familiar weight of the Universe lay on her two all-too-slim shoulders.

Damn.

She picked up her chest armor sitting on the armory bench. It had been polished; N7 symbol gleaming up at her with pride. The Alliance had deemed it 'necessary' to strip her of all her equipment, leaving her with nothing but her amp when she arrived on Earth. You would think that being on the planet where her species first started out on would be cathartic, just like going home after a long stay abroad. It turned out to be everything but. Still, it felt good to know she was getting back into her suit. Focusing her mind, she went through the prerequisites of gearing up.

The newly reinstated Commander held no pretense of modesty, stripping down to the skin-tight underarmor that she was so accustomed to that she still wore them under her civvies. She was quick to piece her armor together, tightening and closing the gaps where the different plates touched. Her skilled fingers went through the motions almost thoughtlessly, muscles so acclimatized to the same actions again and again. As soon as she was done, she browsed through the assortment of weapons currently held in the Normandy's lockers. With Kaidan, James and Liara by her side, the likelihood of having to do some long distance shooting was slim, so she opted with just a shotgun. Anything more did funny things to her biotic powers.

Scheming through the available modifications, she was struck by how badly prepared the frigate was for an actual battle. The ship held nothing but the most basic of weapons and mods. It was a shame, especially since she was looking forward to getting reacquainted with her trusted Claymore. But she supposed a Katana had to do for now. Testing the weight of the weapon, she folded it and attached it to the magnetic plate in the middle of her back before turning to the rest of her crew.

Both men were in the midst of preparing their own weapon choices. It might have been difficult for a civilian to determine, but Shepard could see the minute telltale signs of frustration affecting both marines' ability to coordinate their movements. They were understandably distracted. After all, she was having a difficult time keeping her mind on task herself, but she couldn't afford any hindrances now. Everything little thing they did was absolutely crucial.

"ETA five minutes Commander. I recommend you get into the shuttle."

"Any signs of suspicious activity Joker?"

"Too far away to tell for sure. But nothing so far."

Nodding even though she wasn't sure if the pilot could see her, she inputted the codes for the releasing the vehicle from its hatch. "Who wants to drive?"

The now-prepared James grunted, before stepping into the Alliance shuttle. Cocking her head towards the open door, she waited for Kaidan to step in before she followed suit.

It was a loathsome, repulsive thought; but her wish came true.

Her momma always told her… Be careful with what you wished for.

The little boy's pleading green depths flashed in her mind, vocally telling her that she couldn't help him while his eyes begged her to.

But in the end, she could do nothing but watch him die.

She should have listened to her mother.

**###**

**A short chapter, but this is only just the beginning. Don't worry word count will go up. **

**Thank you Helljumper 1337 for reviewing. Does this chapter answer your questions? =P**

**Do let me know what you think, I always love hearing from my readers after all.**

**Much love,**

**Fee**

**xx**


	3. Shock: Chapter 2

**###**

**Chapter 2**

**To Whomever This May Concern**

11 Earth Days from Diagnosis

_Dear God,_

_Why this? Why now? Why me?_

_What did I do wrong?_

"Goddammit Kaidan. Die on me and I'll kick your ass."

Ugly, alien bruises dusted across his pale skin, giving him a grotesquely ill complexion. His right arm was twisted in an unnatural position, hovering somewhere between a full-out break and a fracture. The hairline cracks on the royal-blue plates were the only other revelatory signs of the true extent of the damage behind his hard suit: broken ribs, injured spine, cracked skull, those were just to name a few. They couldn't move him in fear of making anything worse. She could feel Liara's warm, firm hand on her shoulder, but it did not stop her throat from constricting painfully as she took note of his weak, almost undetectable pulse and his labored, shallow breathing.

When she first saw him back in Vancouver she was struck by how much stronger, bigger, more _powerful_ he looked. Clad in Alliance dress blues, he was the epitome of perfection gone right. It made her bitter, angry even. The past few months had been nothing short of Hell for her. After Horizon, it felt like she was being slowly torn into pieces, one by one. Contrary to what most might think, the Commander was not one to bend rules of fraternization for just about anyone, Kaidan was _special._ And it killed her to know that he didn't feel the same.

But as per usual, the whole Saviour-of-the-Galaxy routine proved to be an amazing distraction from the pain, providing the relief that she so badly needed from her own destructive thoughts and aside from that one rare, weak moment before hitting the Omega 4 relay, she maintained steadfast and headstrong. She was the Commander Shepard that the Galaxy needed, but her work was not a cure, it only numbed the symptoms. Inside, she wanted to weep for all she was worth, and the doctor's diagnosis had been the last straw.

She was wilting; a hero past her prime, and the bastard had the _nerve_ to look so good.

It burnt her with jealousy… And desire.

She had exclaimed in surprise, and even a little hurt, to hear about his promotion. _She_ had saved all their sorry souls from being turned into icky gooey pulp, and all she got in return was getting her ass grounded. And then there he was, moving on so swiftly with life while she was still tormented by the memories. Her scalding reply was out of her mouth before she could stop it and she almost felt bad at the flash of pain that shone through his chocolate brown eyes, _almost_. And then she remembered that the asshole deserved that, if not more.

Fucking prick.

But now, with all hints of strength swept away by the limpness in his body, she couldn't have felt worse. Now, she was willing to do anything to keep him alive.

"Kaidan needs medical attention." The soft, urgent voice of one of her dearest friends broke her out of her thoughts. A little disorientated, the Asari's face quickly came into focus, concerned cerulean eyes staring into her own. "We have to leave the Sol system."

Her words made little sense to a mind that was only filled with images of Kaidan's broken and battered body. Liara used to be an enigma; uncertainty on whether to condemn the doctor for giving her body to Cerberus, or to be thankful for being the sole reason she was still alive and not in the collectors' repulsive hands used to plague her, but life threatening situations, such as the do-or-die moment against the late Shadow Broker, had a way of patching unstable relationships. Now, she trusted the Asari with more than her life.

Liara… Liara made sense, Liara was right.

"Get us to the Citadel, Joker." She was afraid that her fear would show in her voice, but it came out stronger than she had expected. Sometimes… Even she was unsure how she did it, how she pulled through, how she maintained this whole facade. Turning to the Major she gripped onto his arm so hard her knuckles turned white.

"Hold on Kaidan."

"_Is this what they did to you?"_

_She would be lying if she said that she didn't see that question coming. She had noted the horrified, disgusted look on his face the moment the mask flipped to reveal a deformed, mutilated face. How could she forget? After all, she had been subjected to the same look back on Horizon when Garrus confirmed his suspicions of them joining Cerberus. But it didn't make it any better to actually hear it coming out of his mouth._

_His mouth, the same mouth she had spent many sleepless nights wrestling covers trying to forget. The same mouth that was able to draw an innumerable amount of sighs and moans of pleasure on that one sinful night before Ilos. The same mouth that, at this very moment, she so badly wanted to feel beneath her titanium padded fists._

_The anger, frustration and surprisingly enough, hatred ripped from her throat. "How can you compare me, to __him__?" _

_She hated him for being so blind; she hated him for not having any faith in her. Why could he not understand that she __had no choice__? How could he even think that she might have forgotten what Cerberus did to Admiral Kohaku, or on Akuze? How could he have claimed to love her, and not believe her? How?_

_She hated him for not being there for her when she needed him the most, for being so unfair._

_Worst of all, she hated herself for still needing him, even after all he had done._

"_I just want to know… Is the person I followed to Hell and back, the person that I loved… Are you still in there, somewhere?"_

She wanted to snap at him, telling him that he did not know _Hell_ if he didn't know what it was like to have a countdown to your death looming over your head. But the Commander had always been an expert in reading people, be it voices, body language or just by knowing _something_ about them. It was an uncanny ability that she wielded purposefully, that she prided herself for having. More often than not, she found that she was able to manipulate words in such a way that she could diffuse even the most tense of situations.

Maybe that was why… Despite her anger and her frustrations, she had sensed the guilt; heard the fear and sadness in his voice. And all of a sudden, she was back on the original Normandy, listening to his soft, confessional words about Rahna and Brain Camp, wanting nothing more than to soothe his insecurities and hurt. She was struck by how much she wanted him to believe her, how much she _needed_ him to. The playful, flirtatious words were out of her mouth before she even thought them through, falling into the same banter they used to exchange even before Ilos as though nothing had changed.

It was easy to pretend- especially since his chuckles still sent shivers down her spine.

Having Kaidan by her side was a luxury that she took for granted, one that could not have become more prominent than the fights on Mars. He had grown by leaps and bounds, both in physical strength and biotic ability. His improvement had initially surprised her, setting her off-balanced as she reached to pick up the slack that he did not end up dropping. Liara, Kaidan and herself worked like a well-oiled machine, their teamwork not hampered in the slightest by their lack of time together. The only other people she felt that in sync with were probably Tali and Garrus. It was a fortunate thing, considering the fact that they were heavily outnumbered and out-geared by Cerberus troops, to have not only have succeeded in completing their mission, but also escaping with their bodies intact.

With the exception of the unconscious soldier in front of her.

A faint clank of metal hitting metal drew her out of her reverie. It seemed like Cerberus never failed to surpass her expectations: not only did they manage to create a fully functional AI, they even managed to plant it within Alliance officials. Shepard was beginning to wonder about the true length of the Illusive Man's reach and resources. How could a single man be so damn powerful? Again, the inadequacy of the Alliance and the Council couldn't have been more clear. It was Hitler and the Holocaust on repeat; they could have crushed Cerberus completely had they acted from the very beginning. Except, like always, the brass dragged their feet, and now while they were at the brink of extinction, they have to not only concentrate on fighting the Reapers, but Cerberus as well, who has proven to be a more-than-formidable foe. Turning her head towards the sound she measured the dead mech steadily. She did not feel any real hatred for the inanimate object, but it didn't change the fact that she wanted to toss the thing out the airlock. But they needed it, or more accurately, needed the data that it stole from _them_.

Damn that Illusive Man. He was always finding ways to make her life difficult wasn't he?

"See what you and EDI can learn from that thing." She finally said, gesturing towards the battered scrap of metal.

Liara stared at her for a moment, worry clear in the creased lines on her beautiful face, before complying. Breathing in deeply to calm her frazzled nerves the Commander brushed her fingers gently over Kaidan's blue amor plate, finding little solace in the rise and fall of his chest.

Whatever thoughts her overworked brain was cooking up were immediately dashed at EDI's pleasant voice filtering through the com-link. "-I believe it's Admiral Hackett."

Allowing herself a fraction of a second to compose herself, she turned swiftly and jogged out of the room. Now was not the time for second guesses or contemplation, now was not the time for broken hearts or monologues, now was not the time for pleads or apologies.

Steeling her heart, she could almost feel the physical change from Shepard the dying, to Shepard the Commander, War Hero, Saviour. By the time she reached the comm room her mask was firmly in place and she was a different person.

Now was the time for her to do what she did best.

Now was the time for war.

**###**

**Sorry for the late update guys. It's been a really busy week. It is almost 4am in the morning so I'm going to just upload this and go to sleep. I told myself I would get a chapter done so hear it is. I will need to do more tweaking and checking tomorrow. But for now, this will do.**

**Thank you Helljumper 1337 and red lilies for reviewing. I'm glad you're intrigued enough with the first two parts that you are willing to read on.**

**Of course, thank you all other readers, subscribers and favouriters. =] Do let me know what you think. I forever am looking forward to hearing your opinions and thoughts on my writing. Compliments and criticisms are equally welcomed. =D**

**I will try to update my FR fic tomorrow, or day after, hopefully. **

**Stay tuned!**

**xx**

**Fee**

**ps. Changed a little bit of the timeline from the previous chapter.**


	4. Shock: Chapter 3

**###**

**Chapter 3**

**Demons**

11 Earth Days from Diagnosis

Could it really be that simple?

All it took was one fight; a single blueprint for this one weapon… And it is the answer to a threat so indomitable, so indestructible? How many lives were sacrificed so that they could destroy Sovereign. How many people died for the cause? There was _no way_ that this one hidden item could be what they hoped it would be. It was a concept difficult to grasp for a person who was forced to give a 110% to every little thing all her life. Something told her this wasn't right, that this couldn't just be it.

After all, when did Good ever triumph so easily?

"What are our options? You know we can't win this conventionally." Her Asari friend implored, "Isn't it worth trying at least?"

She turned her gaze to the side so that Liara vanished even from her peripherals. Liara T'Soni… Shepard would have been hard pressed to find another more loyal, kind and innocent than the Asari she met three years ago. But the archeologist had changed, and in more ways than one. Sometimes the Commander blamed herself for it. Yes, Liara was still kind, yes, Liara was still loyal beyond belief; but she no longer held that innocence that Shepard found most attractive about her. Now the Asari's hands were tainted with blood that should have been on her own. Had Liara not been involved with them, had they not forged such a strong relationship… She wouldn't have had to go through the horrors of losing her comrade in arms, a best friend, nor her morality.

So many great, wondrous people ruined by her decisions. Then perhaps it was Karma…

"I'm going to check on Kaidan."

Her reply was curt, short, and she sensed a flash of hurt emitting from Liara even though she wasn't looking at her. But her mind was in a constant state of relentless buzzing; frantic jumbles of emotions tore through her, she had to get away from _thinking_, even if it were for a single moment. For there was a single thought that bothered her the most.

Why was it so easy to end a war? Yet so difficult to maintain a single life?

Without a second glance, the Commander exited the room, leaving an astounded Asari behind.

**###**

13 Earth Days from Diagnosis

"_What do you want?"_

_Hatred flared from within her. Darker, and more prominent than anything she had ever felt before. Glaring straight into the pair of sickeningly grotesque eyes it took all her strength to resist the urge of charging straight into the hologram. Logic told her that even if she reached out to tear apart his pale, worthless neck, her hands would do nothing but pass through the image, but that knowledge didn't stop her from wanting to._

_The bastard held her gaze, unnatural blue eyes staring straight into her own. She added gorging them out onto her to-do list. A silent conversation passed between them, possible only due to their ability to understand one another._

_You forced my hand._

_Fuck you._

_She should have known he was going to be here. Should have faced up to that fact before entering the Archives so that she was better composed, better prepared. She had played the scene of meeting him over and over again her head: she was going to appear aloof, untouched despite his meddling, above it all. She wanted to show him that despite the fact that he rebuilt her from ground up, she was still who she wanted to be. She was not a product of his development or experiment. She was the one and only, Commander Shepard… But all those thoughts crashed to the ground the moment his over-bearing, conceited voice appeared behind them. And suddenly, the Reapers were nothing but a distant event and all that mattered was him and her… And her impending death._

_I warned you. I told you there would be consequences._

_I will kill you._

_She had always found pride in her ability to remain composed in any situation. Under the most stress, facing impossible odds, she had never failed to be calm and come out triumphant. But this time rage caught her unaware. She even managed to forget the words she said to Garrus so long ago about forgiving and forgetting. No, the need for revenge drowned out any minute voice of reason._

_He cocked his head to the left, gesturing to the Archives. _

"_What I've always wanted."_

_For what it is worth, I am sorry._

He had been talking about the device hadn't he? But the way his eyes lingered upon her… Made her feel as though there were more going through the Illusive Bastard's head that he hadn't been telling them about.

The Commander was an expert at reading people, so why did warning signs erupt when he told her she was nothing to him but a tool? Her gut instincts never failed before, so why did she feel like he was lying?

Damn the prick. Shock vibrated up her arm even before she could register that she had punched the metal wall with her bare hand. But the torrent of confusion drowned out the pain.

Even after signing her death warrant he was still playing games with her head.

"Commander, we will be docked at the Citadel in 10 minutes." EDI's voice filled her quarters. Shepard nodded, knowing that the unshackled AI would be able to see her reaction. "Would you like me to open the open the shutters?"

The unexpected question caused her to jerk back in surprise, eyes immediately trained to the window that lay directly above her bed. It was supposed to be a Captain's Cabin only luxury, to be able to see out into the wide, beautiful space beyond as you nestle yourself to sleep. Had this opportunity presented itself three years ago she would have been ecstatic, but the destruction of the original Normandy and the consequences of that said destruction had ensure that the window remained closed throughout her stay on the SR-2.

Clearing her throat, she eyed the little blue orb that appeared right by her door. "Thanks EDI. But I've seen the Citadel enough times to satiate that need. Could you make sure that Kaidan, James and Liara are prepped to go. Allow the crew a breather as well."

"Alright Commander." And the orb vanished. Shepard resisted the urge to roll her eyes at that pretense. She knew that the AI was always watching, whether or not her hologram was present.

Sighing, the Vanguard dragged her tired body towards the shower, allowing herself to revel in the warm spray for the moment, knowing that she was going to need every ounce of strength to deal with the Council.

As though her day could not get any worse.

**###**

The Citadel looked exactly the same.

Maybe it was the curse of being so deep in the action? When so much had happened in such a small time period, you would expect everything outside of that to be different as well.

No such luck.

She observed the D-24 with the same eyes she used on the battlefield. She scanned for unknown quantities, for threats, for areas of cover. While there was a small, but distinct undertone of panic, it was still plastered by an overwhelming sense of general calm, an ignorance that told her of how the citizens of the Citadel still did not believe the Reaper threat was very real, and very present.

What dignified fools.

She turned to begin walking towards where Bailey had disappeared, but stopped short at the mention of her name.

Sighing, she reluctantly shifted to give the unknown woman an apprehensive glare. "What's going on here?" or more importantly, as her gaze traveled down, _what the Hell are you wearing?_

Being the CO of the Normandy SR-2 meant that Shepard had views that she wasn't sure she appreciated or condemned. She couldn't understand how come it was so difficult for the female members of her crew to put on some proper clothing, or armor. Instead, they had to prance around in skin-tight cat suits. If it had belonged to Alliance command, such attire would not have been allowed. Lord, Jack was only wearing pants and _string_. Sure there were occasions where the Commander felt the need to flaunt a little bit here and there, but the furthest she went was wearing Kasumi's gift to a few shore leaves, and even then she was wildly uncomfortable majority of the time.

This girl's breasts were fighting to escape the tight confinement of her barely-there outfit. It was highly indecent, but Shepard only allowed herself to dwell upon it for a short moment. She couldn't expect everyone to have the same moral upbringing as she had, so who was she to judge?

And who could blame her for enjoying the view?

Turning her attention back to the words that she hadn't realized she was fazing out on: so little miss tiny-dress wanted to be on her ship? Fat chance.

"Now why would I want that?" She didn't really mean to sound condescending, but she harbored a great dislike for reporters, and she blamed a certain Al-Jilani for that prejudice. Thinking about that woman made her skin crawl. Still, despite her inhibitions, Allers made sense. She would be a fool to underestimate the strengths of strategic advertising; to have an entire broadcast rooting for their victory could lead to many good things, maybe even with proper backing they could afford to upgrade their armors and weapons.

Shepard shifted her weight, studying the woman before her. She didn't look to be a pushover, which was a good thing, seeing as they were going to be front and center of a war. "Can you use a gun?"

There was a flash of uncertainty behind those smutty brown eyes that told her all she needed to know. The last thing she needed was someone to hold them back. She made a mental note to drop off the reporter before anything got too intense, or if things got too crowded. But their side could do with some good luck for now, and they had plenty of room.

"You get one footlocker."

"Aye, aye ma'am."

Sighing, the Commander turned to head to her previously desired destination. Well… At least Allers had better manners than most people she knew.

**###**

**I know, I have been gone forever. Even worse, I haven't updated either stories in over a month. Please don't hate me.**

**I had to take a break from writing for a while. I was spurring out chapters left, right and center. And I suddenly lost the urge to write anymore. I know, tragic. But what to do? Sometimes we all hit those moments don't we?**

**But anyway! I am back!**

**I will be updating (hopefully) quite regularly from here on out. Not too often because I now have two stories as well as my A2 exams in a week, which, naturally, I have been procrastinating about.**

**Thank you so much everyone for your kind support and words. For subscribing, reviewing and favouriting this story (as well as FR). I hope you haven't given up on me and are still willing to follow through with this. I am back for real, promise.**

**Not a very emotionally strong chapter, I do admit. But there will be more to come!**

**Thank you Helljumper 1337, red lillies and an anon for reviewing. Your words are much appreciated. I honestly do not know whether this is going to be a Shep/Kaidan pairing. I only place that down for now. There will be some Shep/Kaidan and some Shep-just about everyone else. What can I say? My Shepard is a horny slut who has both hetero and homosexual preferences.**

**Fun times.**

**Let me know what you think? Stay tuned for more!**

**Much love,**

**Fy.**

**SO glad to be back.**


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